Missing Rita

Jamie,

I share your confusion and concern. And I know many others do as well. Especially those of us who were writers of The Swanning. We have heard nothing from her. If you hear anything, let me know please.

Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations´s last spectacular blog post..Teeter-Totter Tribulations

Hey Oktober, I know what you mean. I wish I had saved her posts in my feed reader now. She had some powerful words worth savoring. it truly is a shame.

Hi Jamie,

As much as I liked Rita – and I did. We certainly didn’t eat one of our own… she consumed herself.

I honestly believe that there was a degree of hypocrisy in what Rita wrote in her post and then the behaviour she displayed in the comments.

I also believe that the situation can be remedied and I told Rita that in a comment on her site, just before it was wiped.

It would be good to see Rita back, but none of must feel the fault for her sudden departure is ours, she made her own choices that day.

It’s nice to know that you care enough to put out an alert.

Dave.

Dave Fowler´s last spectacular blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2

NOTE: You can read the reply posted for Rita by a friend below, along with the explanation for the mix up.

I was exceedingly glad to hear from Rita.

Dave, thanks for the outlook. Part of my confusion stemmed from subscribing to Writer Dad’s posts, but not the comments that day. I have a slightly clearer picture now.

Here’s my two cents. This conflict, like many others in life, is intricate and may never be resolved. We are throwing into the mix the personalities, opinions, and experiences of dozens of people.

No, we cannot take each of those factors into consideration like this was a scientific experiment and spit out the right answer.

What we can do is treat each other with compassion.Let me give a personal example:

The only reason I am still married is because I changed my outlook. I no longer argue about who is right, even thought I DEEPLY believe I am right the majority of the time.

When an argument presents, I first view the other person as a valuable human being (despite those voices in my head screaming nasty names).

I acknowledge my own feelings stemming from experiences that the the other person does not likely know about, and try to put my own emotions in perspective.

Then, and this is the kicker, even when I disagree with why the other person is upset, I acknowledge their feelings. If they think I have wronged them and I disagree, no matter. Nothing I say or do will change their mind. Even if I am innocent, I have wronged that person in their perspective. I do NOT have to admit to wrongdoing, but I can say, “I can see this conversation has upset you. I am sorry, that was not my intention. Please forgive me for hurting for your feelings.”

Being intentional about relationships is all important. Being right or wrong is a moot point. o one likes to hear they have screwed up. Most people hate criticism of any kind. when done in a loving manner, criticism helps us all grow because we cannot see beyond the end of our own noses without help.

Rita, if you’re reading this…

I am glad to hear from you, even if indirectly.

One thing about your comment struck me hard. “Words are things. They have power. I chose to delete every Rita’s Digest entry. Because I was hurt? Please. I live with RSD. Nothing in the “bloghell” could hurt me.”

Words do have power. And emotional pain can be excruciating just like RSD, maybe even more so for some. I believe many things said online have hurt you. I am sorry you felt attacked, misunderstood, used, and hurt. It sounds to me like blogging was becoming a drain on you. I hope you find joy in writing offline. I also hope that you can forgive those who hurt you, not for their sake, but for yours. As a friend of mine likes to say, ” anger and bitterness will eat your lunch. ”

I will greatly miss your writing, your wit, and your pleasant prickliness. Best wishes to you, my friend.

Rita, are you Gregg? …. Is this for real?

Geez, now I feel sorry for the lady. It’s unfortunate to see someone so bitter and unforgiving, but it’s worse when anger turns to malice and distain.

I’d like to tell a story I haven’t told many people…because it was terribly embarrasing. When I was a kid I got a lego train set for my birthday. I was young and having troubles putting it together and getting it to work. I had asked my brothers for help, but they had been dorks about it, so I got mad–really mad–and in order to prove my point, I took the lego set and threw it in the trash can. Someone in the family fished it out and then sold it at our garage sale…in front of my face. Man, did I ever feel stupid. I had proved my point–I had proved that I was an immature, hateful child who couldn’t control his temper and was too stubborn to admit it and deal with it.

We all do things that we regert. Sometimes we get mad about it and lash back–that’s the wrong thing to do–and other times we step back, admit to ourselves our stupidity, and then grow up. That’s the right thing to do, and it will save you a lot of embarrasment. We’re all two-faced and annoying if you catch us at the right moment. I think it was the right thing for you to remove yourself from the situation.

OK, Because Rita does not want to be associated with her previous website, and because I can’t seem to turn off Comment Luv, I have deleted the previous comment, at Rita’s request, and copied it here, sans the Comment Luv link:

Jamie,
I am in constant contact with Rita. She asked me to tell you this (hew words, not mine).
Jamie,
Thank you for your concern. Many others have written to me, and, for the most part, I have ignored all blog-related emails. I have, however, been following the little games that continue in the “blogohell.”

First, I am HAPPY. NOBODY owned Rita’s Digest but me. I am thrilled to NOT be writing it to many of the two-faced bloggers out there. My words were – and are – my own. Though a domain name may be owned by somebody, I have always owned all content to Rita’s Digest.

The facts: I did not “trash” Barb Swafford. I told the truth. Look at her blog this week. Notice anything different? She BLOGGED for 5 days. 5 whole days! Go back several weeks – or months – and see if that’s true. Additionally, Barb, who called this “HER community” on Writer Dad’s site, has gotten nearly 40 comments about her blog yesterday on “bashing.” Have you EVER read a blog with 40 comments where NOBODY disagreed? Even the “poverty bloggers” had disagreements on them! I guarantee you – more than 40 responses came in yesterday. 40 were POSTED. Ever disagree with Barb? Doesn’t matter: it won’t be posted.

Every word I said about Barb was true, and if anybody is waiting for any apology, they’re nuts. They should be thanking me. If what I said about Barb and her blog were NOT true, why the sudden change this week? Content. Writing. Comments. There is, of course, much more to the story…no commenter should say “I wasn’t talking to you – I was talking to somebody else.” THAT’S poor manners. Enough said on that matter.

As to Writer Dad: I told him the blog was a mistake. I told him to take over comments (at the start). I am perceptive enough to know that when people are used to daffodils and daisies, that they don’t want a single rose with thorns all over it coming in. His response: keep going. DUH. The comment counter went up and up and up…I asked him to please close down the comments. Nope. Even when I decided, OK, I’ll play along, and gave a (correct) answer to a movie question (right, Oktober 5?), the game ended and the Rita bashing continued.

As to Tim: I had to beg him to come to Writer Dad’s site to read the guest post and give Writer Dad another try. He loved my comments until the tide turned – then he turned like the animal he is. He told me on the phone that he needed more respondents to his blog, as it was tied into his web which is tied into his “life coaching.” Try to find the last time that Tim commented on ANY of these sites before this week. He’s a star now. Yay, Tim. Quite the “life coach.”

I have had a happy week. I’m focusing on my business, and seeing FRIENDS. I deleted every word of Rita’s Digest. Me. Nobody else. They exist in my files, there to stay. I absolutely LOVED the writing part. The rest sucked, having to deal with too many people who wrote one comment on one blog, and a different comment on another. For AUDIENCE? Clap, clap. You’re all terrific. My words are off-limits now, and will continue to be – forever.

Finally, to Hayden. She got her apology. I hurt her. I DID? By saying I didn’t understand a word she was talking about? When you repond to somebody, are you first supposed to ask: Are you an orphan? Have you ever been raped? Ever been shot? Is your response in a comment meant to take-in “mitigating circumstances?” That’s for a courtroom, not a blog. Hayden got her apology – twice, and also got to tell her horrific story. And it IS a horrific story. MY COMMENT TO HER FORCED HER TO SAY SHE WAS ABUSED? Please! Don’t tell me to keep my mouth shut with the left side of your mouth, and then beg for sympathy (and AUDIENCE! ) with your right, by telling a story I did not ask to hear – YOU chose to tell it.

I thank all of you who, behind the scenes, have given me amazing support, and told me how much you miss me and/or my words. Yet this is the only blog (that I know of) that has come out and asked “where’s Rita?” Now, I doubt that this will ever see the light of day, which is fine.

Words are things. They have power. I chose to delete every Rita’s Digest entry. Because I was hurt? Please. I live with RSD. Nothing in the “bloghell” could hurt me. But people don’t READ. They see words, but they don’t READ. They don’t pay attention to the “big picture,” they pay attention to today’s AUDIENCE figures. I work hard on my words – as do many other bloggers. I READ what is said. And I SPEAK the truth. Some people don’t like HEARING the truth, but those are people who don’t LISTEN.

At least I give Barb credit. She LISTENED. She may have felt attacked, but she changed Blogless with a Blog INTO Blogging with a Purpose. And perhaps the blog-hell will benefit. I hope so. But as for me? I am delighted. I have time. I am not racing after faceless users. And I am working, MYSELF, on a second book. Where the words MATTER. And I don’t have to worry about the horrible psychological damage to the ego of the reader if a kittykat gets stuck up a tree.

Thank you for caring. It DOES feel good to hear that people miss me and my words, BUT, this is the last time that you will hear them. Everybody knows my email. But you, Jamie are a lady”

Rita

Jamie,

It’s good to hear that Rita is OK.

It’s no fun to watch people tearing themselves or each other apart. One can only hope that people can resolve their issues through discussion.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that it’s often not what people say, it’s the way they say it. I should know, I’ve been at the wrong end of it enough times.

Like you, I don’t think that the rights and wrongs of every situation have to be examined until one side is proved right and the other wrong. It is possible to accept people for what they are even with their faults, but there has to be an element of decorum in the communication process.

I’d be quite happy to express concern for someone who was upset by an exchange but I’m not sure I could apologise for upsetting them just because I offered a differing point of view – maybe only for the way I may have expressed that view if I hadn’t been considerate in it’s delivery.

I suppose this is over now. It’s probably a good thing.

Rita has made it clear that she’s not coming back and I feel that she’s determined enough to stick by her decision. Everyone has to do what’s right for themselves in the end.

Thanks,

Dave.

Dave Fowler´s last spectacular blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2

Rita,

We chatted about my business and you begged me to come over to WD did you?

Yeh right and then we drank pixie dust, skipped through a meadow hand in hand and I threw you onto a bed covered in rose petals and declared my undying love

Where did this venom come from?

Tim Brownson´s last spectacular blog post..The Skinny Of Raw Food

One more thing. You are an excellent writer and a funny person.

Tim Brownson´s last spectacular blog post..The Skinny Of Raw Food

Hey Dave,

I agree, when Writer Dad sent me an email to read the comments, I was exhausted by the time I finished. It was a lot like watching someone get run over with a car, repeatedly, in slow motion.

I have to something to add.

You said:I’d be quite happy to express concern for someone who was upset by an exchange but I’m not sure I could apologise for upsetting them just because I offered a differing point of view – maybe only for the way I may have expressed that view if I hadn’t been considerate in it’s delivery.”

I don’t apologize for disagreeing with them. I only choose to be intentional about building relationships by acknowledging their perceived hurt. The pain is real to them, regardless of the cause.

It’s a lot like when your child blows up over something silly, or when you had your hissy fit in the middle of the road. It wasn’t just the car, it was everything crashing in on you all at once. A lot of fights are like that, and many times, the person doesn’t even know they are projecting other situations and feelings into the current one.

Recognize the need behind the deed. Sometimes an attack is really a misguided cry for help, or a bad defense mechanism. Fighting fair means fighting smart. You have to discern the cause and be willing to swallow some pride (even when your foot is already in your mouth, as mine often is.)

Hi Tim,

Thanks for stopping by. I am going to assume both of your comments are for Rita. She is likely still reading, but she assured me in an email that she is done commenting publicly.

That drinking Pixie Dust sounds like a good idea today. Wendi Kelly says we can all still fly. http://lifeslittleinspirations.com/high-flying-faith, maybe Pixie Dust would do the trick. It’s getting cold here in Ohio, I’d like to fly South, or at least West, like to Hawaii. Is that considered a business expense if I blog about it?

Hiya Jamie,

I don’t think we can be more that a step away from our understanding of the situation here but I made it worse by trying to dance around a sensitive issue so as not to re-ignite the original conflict.

I totally understand the point you’re making. Had I taken more time I might have expressed it as you have just done.

What I said about forgiveness was a poor attempt to elicit from you the meaning of your statement: “…but I can say, “I can see this conversation has upset you. I am sorry, that was not my intention. Please forgive me for hurting for your feelings.”

What I’m trying to say, and bear with me I might get it slightly wrong again…, I can understand the first sentence, but I struggle with the second. The second seems to say… “even though I’m may be right, I’m willing to conceded the point just so that you don’t have to be upset…and more than that I’m going to make it my fault.”

It seems that I would be apologising for having an opinion that someone else doesn’t like, just to smooth things over.

Did I make that any clearer or did I just make it worse again? Probably worse?

OK, so even if you don’t understand my point, I do now understand yours. lol

Dave Fowler´s last spectacular blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2

*smiles at Dave*

I SO get your point, it’s not funny. As a former member of the “I am ALWAYS right club”, I struggle with that too. My solution is to gloss over the whole “It’s my fault, your fault, the dog’s fault” part.

Thanks for taking the time to straighten me out, I appreciate it. It’s been a long day~ without caffeine. (Evil doctor woman says I need to cut back.)

LMAO

I’d like to think that we’re both right.

Look lets just have a big old group hug…. but just watch those wandering hands (and I don’t mean mine).

Dave Fowler´s last spectacular blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2

Hi Jamie – thanks for writing this. I know Rita’s still alive and well because I’ve spoken to her via email. But initially I hadn’t got a clue what was going on.

I wrote a post earlier in the week about the whole carry on and how adding more people to a problem, or argument just makes it worse. But I decided not to publish it, incase it turned into one huge row, as it did on Writer Dad.

I feel responsible for a lot of the arguing going on. Barbara did say she reacted in the way she did because was upset by what some of the commenters had said, more than by Rita’s post – and I suppose one of those comments was mine.

What I actually said was, I didn’t thing we should be encouraging some bloggers to carry on blogging – especially those who admit they don’t even like writing. And I stand by that comment. I think it’s cruel to encourage folk to write when they truly suck at it. And the commenters who pretend to read their work are the worst of all.

Rita is an amazingly talented writer but putting her creative energy into a second book, is a smart decision.

Hi Cath, I missed out on everything initially. I was offline helping a sick relative, and when I came back, Rita was gone. It was an awful feeling.

I know a few of “those” bloggers, and have confronted a few who spew their poorly written content and expect everyone to treat it as gold. Unfortunately, there will always be bloggers who should stop blogging, but continue to clog up the Net with their drivel.

Rita’s talent is what will make her absence from out little circle of bloggers so devastating, but I agree that her writing a second book is definitely a terrific plus from this whole experience.

Thanks for stopping by!

Hi Jamie – A couple of people have emailed me and said they really miss reading Rita’s work. They even feel angry that they’re no longer able to read it. I bet that would never happen to some of the bloggers you confronted. But at least she will have a lot of folk desperate to read her first novel and tell the world about it.

Cath Lawson´s last spectacular blog post..Run Your Small Business Like A Rock Star

I bet you’re right, Cath. No one would miss those other bloggers, they’d all just find another loud, crap writer to follow around. It amazes me.

I miss Rita, too. That’s the whole reason for this post.

@ Cath – The story Rita wrote about getting her book deal was brilliant. I was in awe of her bottle (you’ll know what I mean by that expression!) and she’s got a cutting wit. I even linked to it and Twittered it. In fact it was one of the best posts I have ever read and deserves to end up in a book like Chicken Soup for People That Want a Book Deal’ – Catchy title, I think you’ll agree.

I have lots of e-mails from her and we have also chatted on the phone (obviously) when I offered her some free coaching.

But here’s the deal. I’m not going to go into details, but I could have defended myself a lot more aggressively, by publishing that stuff, but I didn’t and I wont. The vitriol that spewed forth from her purely because I explained what I meant and that I think taking offense is a choice, was staggering, especially from a lady that called me an animal.

When things like that happen, talent goes out of the window.

I’m here to have fun. I love writing, I love making myself and others laugh and my blog is primarily for fun. Even on Twitter, 95% of my posts are jokey and involve interactions with others, every now and then I’ll mention a new post of mine, but that’s a secondary purpose for me.

I don’t make any money from my blog other than some book sales the occasional client. I admit I’d like to, but it is down my list of priorities and it will have to happen organically if at all.

I’ve just had my best 2 months ever in coaching and for the last 2 weeks have been fully booked. I never spoke to Rita and said I needed comments, that is a complete fabrication and indefensible for her to say it. Mind you, it would have been indefensible even if it were true.

Yeh Rita is a talented writer we all know that, but is that sufficient?

Tim Brownson´s last spectacular blog post..The Skinny Of Raw Food

This is truly unfortunate. I loved her writing and her comments.