Top 10 Ways to Know You’re a Freelance Writer

“You’re killing my MoJo. Scoot over a little.”

He just grinned, then moved to stand behind me to read the screen as I typed. I ignored him, as only old married couples can.

“What’cha doin?”

Chatting with the Queen of England. Washing the cat. Painting my nails. Saving the world. Strangling my husband.  “WRITING!”

He grins, “I thought you liked writing?”

“I do, I do. I like writing. I like chocolate chip cookies. And I also like peace and quiet while I’m writing. Here’s your cookie, sweetie, 2 outa 3 ‘aint bad.”

In honor of my husband’s incessant ability to kill my concentration just for fun, I’ve decided to list my top ten ways to prove you’re a freelance writer.

Top 10 Ways to Know You’re a Freelance Writer

  1. You’ve gotten in the shower and found you only shaved one leg the day before. So you say what the heck and start an alternating limb shaving schedule to save time- time management at its best.  And since Blogger Dad swears he doesn’t shave his legs (not that I believe him for a second), for the guys, Dave adds, “You haven’t shaved or seen your family in so long that they accidentally reported a Sasquatch siting when you came out of your office yesterday.”
  2. Eyeing that baby sling, you begin to wonder if you could craft a double harness that will hold your child and your laptop.
  3. Your desk looks like you live there, because you do. “Could you pass me that extra pair of socks on top of the monitor? Thanks.”
  4. You eat more meals with your computer than with live people.
  5. You realize you put your underwear on backward- 12 hours ago.
  6. Your fingers move across an invisible keyboard in your sleep.
  7. You find crumbs in your bra (or your bellybutton, Dave) and consider eating them because, hey, it’s quicker than making a trip to the kitchen.
  8. Your children have the best vocabulary in the neighborhood and can diagram sentences by age 5.
  9. A shopping spree at Staples excites you more than the prospect of sex.
  10. Instead of instituting casual day at the office, you have a work naked day. The neighbors love it.

I will admit to 8 out of 10, but I’m not saying which ones are true. 😉 Go hug your kids, tie them up with duct tape, and GET BACK TO WORK! 😀

22 Responses to Top 10 Ways to Know You’re a Freelance Writer
  1. Kool Aid
    November 5, 2008 | 12:29 pm

    that ‘s funny! You should make that into a shirt.

    Kool Aid´s last spectacular blog post..Halloween

  2. Kool Aid
    November 5, 2008 | 8:29 am

    that ‘s funny! You should make that into a shirt.

    Kool Aid´s last spectacular blog post..Halloween

  3. Writer Dad
    November 5, 2008 | 7:44 pm

    I’m with Kool Aid. I’d buy the shirt. I’ll only have to write 800 words to pay for it (that’s a freelance joke). I find myself wiggling my fingers about when there isn’t a keyboard beneath them, and I’m CONSTANTLY arranging paragraphs in my head. It’s been months since I’ve gone to sleep with out dreaming of words. Ah, these are the good old days.

    Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!

  4. Writer Dad
    November 5, 2008 | 3:44 pm

    I’m with Kool Aid. I’d buy the shirt. I’ll only have to write 800 words to pay for it (that’s a freelance joke). I find myself wiggling my fingers about when there isn’t a keyboard beneath them, and I’m CONSTANTLY arranging paragraphs in my head. It’s been months since I’ve gone to sleep with out dreaming of words. Ah, these are the good old days.

    Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!

  5. Writer Dad
    November 5, 2008 | 3:45 pm

    By the way, Jamie, thanks for the button. It makes me feel all aw shucks like when I see it looking at me on the page.

    Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!

  6. Jamie Simmerman
    November 5, 2008 | 8:20 pm

    Hey Sean, Great freelancer joke. Some writers would have to write 3,000 words to buy that t-shirt. You could get away with 50. 🙂

    That Writer Dad button does look good over there, doesn’t it? I think it goes with the drapes.

  7. Jamie
    November 5, 2008 | 4:20 pm

    Hey Sean, Great freelancer joke. Some writers would have to write 3,000 words to buy that t-shirt. You could get away with 50. 🙂

    That Writer Dad button does look good over there, doesn’t it? I think it goes with the drapes.

  8. Jamie Simmerman
    November 5, 2008 | 8:25 pm

    Kool Aid,

    I have a tshirt a friend sent me that reads “Careful or you’ll end up in my next novel” I love it!!

  9. Jamie
    November 5, 2008 | 4:25 pm

    Kool Aid,

    I have a tshirt a friend sent me that reads “Careful or you’ll end up in my next novel” I love it!!

  10. Dana
    November 6, 2008 | 2:54 pm

    Hello! Love that I discovered your blog this morning.

    ROFL @ all of this. I SO live at this desk and I regularly say, “Do you know how many words I had to type to buy that?!?”

    I can’t believe I’m admitting this but if the coroner suspected I was poisoned to death they’d not have to do an autopsy of my body but just the inside of my bra, too.

    Dana´s last spectacular blog post..A Freelancer Writer’s Income Report

  11. Dana
    November 6, 2008 | 10:54 am

    Hello! Love that I discovered your blog this morning.

    ROFL @ all of this. I SO live at this desk and I regularly say, “Do you know how many words I had to type to buy that?!?”

    I can’t believe I’m admitting this but if the coroner suspected I was poisoned to death they’d not have to do an autopsy of my body but just the inside of my bra, too.

    Dana´s last spectacular blog post..A Freelancer Writer’s Income Report

  12. Jamie Simmerman
    November 6, 2008 | 3:03 pm

    Hi Dana, we’re glad to have you stop by.

    Maybe bras should come with a removable crumb shield? We could send Dave a roll of duct tape for his belly button. 🙂

  13. Jamie
    November 6, 2008 | 11:03 am

    Hi Dana, we’re glad to have you stop by.

    Maybe bras should come with a removable crumb shield? We could send Dave a roll of duct tape for his belly button. 🙂

  14. Rebecca Laffar-Smith
    November 7, 2008 | 9:52 am

    lol Brilliant Dana! I will admit to 6 out of 10. Eat your breast crumbs? No, never contemplated that. lol I think an important one to add is.

    11. Your kids know how to cook their own dinner, age 4.

    My kids have learned how to fend for themselves. The woe of having a single mother who is a writer. Some days I’m might be sitting there but am not there at all. Other days they get sick of me bugging them. lol

    Rebecca Laffar-Smith´s last spectacular blog post..Free Write Against the Blank Page

  15. Rebecca Laffar-Smith
    November 7, 2008 | 5:52 am

    lol Brilliant Dana! I will admit to 6 out of 10. Eat your breast crumbs? No, never contemplated that. lol I think an important one to add is.

    11. Your kids know how to cook their own dinner, age 4.

    My kids have learned how to fend for themselves. The woe of having a single mother who is a writer. Some days I’m might be sitting there but am not there at all. Other days they get sick of me bugging them. lol

    Rebecca Laffar-Smith´s last spectacular blog post..Free Write Against the Blank Page

  16. Jamie Simmerman
    November 7, 2008 | 1:54 pm

    Hi Rebecca,

    My year old knows when mom’s busy, I can sneak junk food. I hear crinkling noises coming from the couch. “Z, are you eating junk?”
    Silence. 10 seconds later as he frantically chews and swallows. “Nope.”

    I find the wrappers in the cushions, and he blames it on his brother.

    I admire you for chasing down your dreams. Many single mothers I know compromise themselves for a bigger paycheck. I wish you the best and will pray for your family and your career. 🙂

  17. Jamie
    November 7, 2008 | 9:54 am

    Hi Rebecca,

    My year old knows when mom’s busy, I can sneak junk food. I hear crinkling noises coming from the couch. “Z, are you eating junk?”
    Silence. 10 seconds later as he frantically chews and swallows. “Nope.”

    I find the wrappers in the cushions, and he blames it on his brother.

    I admire you for chasing down your dreams. Many single mothers I know compromise themselves for a bigger paycheck. I wish you the best and will pray for your family and your career. 🙂

  18. B J Keltz
    November 8, 2008 | 1:29 am

    I will admit to 5 of the ten, especially any time I step foot in an office supply or stationary store. And I’m not even a free lance writer!

  19. B J Keltz
    November 7, 2008 | 9:29 pm

    I will admit to 5 of the ten, especially any time I step foot in an office supply or stationary store. And I’m not even a free lance writer!

  20. Jamie Simmerman
    November 8, 2008 | 2:32 am

    I have PILES of notebooks and journals. I found a leather bound journal with the clasp and everything online last week. I keep telling myself, “You don’t need it.” But I want it. 🙂

    That whole you have to write xxx words to pay for that is working so far.

  21. Jamie
    November 7, 2008 | 10:32 pm

    I have PILES of notebooks and journals. I found a leather bound journal with the clasp and everything online last week. I keep telling myself, “You don’t need it.” But I want it. 🙂

    That whole you have to write xxx words to pay for that is working so far.

  22. Writer Dad
    January 6, 2010 | 8:15 pm

    By the way, Jamie, thanks for the button. It makes me feel all aw shucks like when I see it looking at me on the page.

    <abbr>Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Let’s Get Our Kids Drunk! or Happy Halloween!</abbr>

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