Communicate Dang It!

December 2, 2008

Ok, so I went and stepped in it this time. I had to go and blog about communication. I nearly smacked myself after yesterday’s post and actually yelled at the computer, “What were you thinking!”

In response to my outburst, Lily flicked her tail in my face and the kids never even looked up. (I guess that means I need to cut back on the yelling at the computer thing.)

Why Communication Sucks

I suck at communication, always have.

Short term, I do fine- great in fact. I’ve learned to adapt and I can fling social pleasantries and all the right words at a party. But get me behind closed doors, or start an honest-to-goodness relationship, and I draw a blank. My brain can’t connect point A with point B.

Turn me loose on anything other than a superficial social conversation or a professional discussion, and the conversation usually goes something like this:

“Hi! How’s your day been?”
“Oh, sorry to hear that. That sounds rough.”
“Yeah, I’ve had days like that. Are you doing better now?”
“Oh”
*insert uncomfortable silence*
(Thinks in a span of 0.8 seconds: wow, maybe I shouldn’t have asked that I hope I didn’t make things worse for her Is she staring at my forehead? I bet I have another zit I really like her shoes I wonder if ice cream would help turn her day around Oh yeah, not on her diet Oh God I have no idea what to say now Should I give her a hug? Should I change the subject? What does she need right now?)

Usually, these conversations end like this:
*insert foot into mouth, then try to find least painful way to extract it from windpipe*

Does this sound familiar?

Admitting you have a communication problem is the first step….wait, that’s for a different blog, sorry!

Seriously, before you can improve your communication, you have to admit there is room for improvement, and we all could use at least a little help, right?

For we all stumble in many ways. If someone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect individual, able to control the entire body as well. 3 And if we put bits into the mouths of horses to get them to obey us, then we guide their entire bodies.~James 3:2-3

So, because it’s what we do here, let’s take a look at the Bible to find out how to improve our relationships through better communication.

The Power of the Tongue

If you haven’t realized it yet, you have tremendous power. Each of us can make or break an individual with our words. Our children, spouses, parents, co-workers, friends- all look at our perception of them to help develop their identity and self worth.

Every. Word. Counts.

Even that elderly woman in the grocery store who pushes her cart at a snail’s pace looks up at you with questioning eyes to see if you see her as a frail nuisance, or an aged treasure. A kind and patient smile and a sincere “hello” may be enough to help her get out of bed tomorrow. You just never know.

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”~ Ephesians 4:29

If You Can’t Say Something Nice….

That little rule your mama taught you about playing and saying nice applies to grown-up relationships as well. Just because your spouse is acting like an ass, don’t take that as an excuse to let loose with a string of insults.

Even when a jerk client really deserves to be set straight, hold your tongue. No one wins in a battle of insults.

“He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”~ Proverbs 17:27

So next time you get a nasty email from a client, take a moment to stop, breath, and pray. Perhaps if you saw things from his perspective, you might be a little more understanding. Perhaps he never meant to be a jerk at all. Maybe he’s having a really bad day, or maybe you really screwed up and deserved a nasty email (but just don’t know it yet).

Not everyone has the same perception, reality, or self worth that you have. We are all delightfully different. In a fast paced world, it’s easy to rush to judgements or respond in anger.

Take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. Your words will be kinder, and your relationships will flourish with a little silence and TLC.

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Posted by Jamie | Filed Under Blogging

Comments

Jamie Simmerman

Aw, now I feel all special-like. :)
Writer Dad

Not too crazy busy for a blue duck or two. : > )

<abbr>Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Writer Dad in Rough Draft</abbr>
Kristin T.

Those verses from James are pretty amazing. That our bodies and actions follow the lead of our words really demonstrates the power of communication. I guess that's where the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy" comes from, too. What we tell ourselves, or can convince someone else to believe, can become reality, for better or worse.

And the "every word counts" part? Yesterday I took my 10-year-old shopping for some winter wear she needed. We bought a coat and a scarf, which she decided to wear when it was time to leave the mall. As we were walking out, an older woman passed by, looked right at Quillin and exclaimed "What a pretty scarf!" Quillin beamed, and brought up the incident probably four times later that evening. I think she was as amazed by the spontaneous act of kindness as she was boosted in her confidence.

<abbr>Kristin T.´s last spectacular blog post..Why I care what you’re eating for lunch</abbr>
Jamie Simmerman

Matthew,

Your charming personality, huh? Not your boyish good looks or your terrific sense of humor? :) You'll have to teach me how to to pull that off, I'm tired of eating shoelaces.

BJ,

You know, I was thinking that same thing on the way home. They now have an "online academy" in our area for K-12, free of charge. It's becoming very popular. How are those kids going to learn social skills? Scary.

I would love to have that conversation, BJ. We will get through it together. :)
BJ Keltz

I think the time we spend in front of the tv, running from activity to activity and taking most relationships in "sound bites" along with our news and information doesn't help. I also think that forming relationships is becoming more of a lost art. (Then again maybe I'm just an introverted writer, lol). Total honest in those relationships? Good luck Adults get by, but the children we raise (as a society, not the individuals here) will be even more challenged than we are. Maybe I'm just voicing my secret nightmare.

It takes each of us as individuals to change how we do things in order to make a difference. So, someday, when Jamie and I might chat, she can say "I'm not that good at this communication thing," and I'll say "that's okay. We'll get through it together. ":)

<abbr>BJ Keltz´s last spectacular blog post..What I Learned from NaNoWriMo</abbr>
Matthew Dryden

I always have awkward conversations like this - luckily, I find a way to pull it off...must be my charming nature.

<abbr>Matthew Dryden´s last spectacular blog post..You Hate Me (Because I Failed)</abbr>
Jamie Simmerman

Hi Tara,

I so agree. I am living proof that communication is not a social skill picked up along the way anymore. I cringe to think what future generations will be like unless we (parents) intervene.

Will they all think running to Dr. Phil is the answer? Or how about calling Jerry Springer? *shudders*

One of those armchair psychologists once said you have to find the need behind the deed. Meaning when someone acts out, you should try to discern the need behind the emotion. It's a good theory, but hard to put into practice.

Thanks for hanging out with us today. Tara!
Jamie Simmerman

Hi Sal,

Sure thing, send me a tweet or email when you're ready to go shopping. I'll load you up with ideas. :)

I think we all have the scary realities hiding in the past, it helps keep us humble. :)

Writer Dad,

The Pen is Mightier then the Sword, and the Pen Men are mightier than.... oh, wait, wrong blog. :)

I'm a little partial to the Bible myself. I ever prefer it over my own drivel. :D

Thanks for stopping by, I know you're crazy busy.
Tara

I totally agree.
I think people have really lost the ability to really communicate these days and are so quick to condemn instead of taking a step back and wondering why someone has said or behaved the way they did.
This is something I've really tried to teach my children, to look beyond the surface and try to see the person underneath - it makes meeting and getting along with people so much easier.
I know it can be hard sometimes when people are so confrontational and so meanspirited, but there is usually a reason behind it.

<abbr>Tara´s last spectacular blog post..This week we've been mostly saying . . .</abbr>
Writer Dad

I know it's a tired saying at this point, but are there many phrases more perfect than, "the pen is mightier than the sword?" It's true, and the bible holds some of the best phrases ever uttered.

<abbr>Writer Dad´s last spectacular blog post..Writer Dad in Rough Draft</abbr>
Sal

I have never read any Dekker material. I might have to ask you for a few suggestions to go pick up sometime soon. Matthew 12 is a great chapter. The bible is all about words, you see them happening everywhere and absolutely no word comes back void. Kind of a scary thought if I think about my past, but that is what forgiveness is for.

<abbr>Sal´s last spectacular blog post..Barter Day</abbr>
Jamie Simmerman

Hi Sal,

I couldn't agree more.

There are tons of terrific Bible studies about Jesus as the Word and the power of words. I've never personally completed one, but I do have several books on my nightstand about the power of praying God's name. I'm hoping to get them over Christmas break. :)

The whole foundation of this company was based on Matthew 12, and the power of words. Writer Dad used that verse as the opening quote for my last guest post. (Thanks Sean) ;)

Ted Dekker has a wonderful phenomenon that occurs often in his books where a person is confronted with the contents of their own heart. the experience then changes from the darkness found there, to the pain God feels for us, to the peace and love found in God's presence. It is a truly powerful passage each time it appears in his books.

(I'm a HUGE Dekker fan, in case you haven't noticed.) :)
Sal

Jamie,

Matthew 12:34 says Out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart, the mouth speaks. What do the words you speak say about your heart? Are they filled with anger and contemptement? Or do they honestly try to lift and encourage those around you? Personally I don't like the thought of my heart being filled with hate. I visualize it as a darker, almost black, blood that flows through during those times when you really want to let it rip.

The bible also said that your words have power. Just look at what God had to do in order to get things done...he had to have people speak His will before he coudl act upon it. Even Jesus had to speak before it could be. Heck, even God had to speak the universe into existance. Words are much more powerful than we are aware of.

<abbr>Sal´s last spectacular blog post..Barter Day</abbr>
Jamie Simmerman

Hi Lance,

*sniffles* I'm so happy you have the strength to admit your problem. *more sniffling* I love you man!

:D

Since I "figured this one out" (I'm a little slow), I've really seen a huge impact on my kids, especially. My oldest son beams, literally, when I speak praise about him.

I never really understood why family could trash each other, but you were expected to be nice and polite to complete strangers. Glad I'm not the only one who noticed that. :)
Lance

Hi, my name is Lance...and I have a communication problem.

Okay, I've admitted it...

Seriously, though, there really is very much power in our words. When we open our mouths we have a real ability to do good, or to do harm. In just a few short words, or how the words spoken.

And, sometimes, it easiest to cause pain to those you love the most... Why? Why is it easier to say something "not very nice" to your spouse, your kids, your parents, etc.?

I try. But I'm far from perfect...

<abbr>Lance´s last spectacular blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day</abbr>