Crystal Clear Comunication
December 4, 2008
This post is late. One of the joys of living with small children is the wide variety of communicable diseases you get to experience-namely the flu and pink eye. 
I’ve worked with the flu and sick kids lots of times, but staring at a computer screen with pink eye is sheer torture. My Quasimoto phase is now over (I hope) so we’ll pick up with a second post about improving communication. Thanks for hanging in there patiently.
Crystal Clear Communication
In case you’re wondering, this is not a post about “3 steps to crystal clear communication”. In fact, I seriously doubt if there is such a thing as crystal clear communication. I think it belongs in the same category as unicorns, white elephants, and clean clothes on kids. They may exist, but I’ll never see them.
Our last post on improving personal and business communication was fairly general. Today, I’d like to go a little deeper and look at the ultimate model for communication- the Lord’s Prayer.
There are generally two camps in regards to the Lord’s Prayer. One group believes that this is the end-all, be-all of prayers. It’s a multipurpose, one-stop-shopping prayer for whatever need arises in your life. it was good enough for Jesus, so it’s good enough for me.
Another group knows the prayer by heart, but they use it as a model for communicating with God. Personally, I believe this is what Jesus meant when He spoke this prayer, and we’ll work from this view.
Where to Start
Normally, when you begin a conversation (or a prayer), the temptation is to begin with a run-down of your needs, wants, and experiences. You are fascinated by your wit and charm, and assume that your conversation partner will be too.
We are a self-centered lot, no matter how hard we try to deceive ourselves. But let’s take a look at how the Lord’s Prayer begins.
The Lord’s Prayer
From the New Century Version, Matthew 6:9~
So when you pray, you should pray like this:
Our Father in heaven,
may your name always be kept holy.
May your kingdom come
and what you want be done,
here n earth as it is in heaven.
Give us the food we need for each day.
Forgive us our sins,
just as we have forgiven those who sinned against us.
And do not cause us to be tempted,
but save us from the evil one.
Everyday Application
So, how do we apply this model pray to our everyday communication? I’m not often a fan of stretching Biblical applications, but I think this one holds true, so here goes.
In the Lord’s prayer, Jesus instructs the disciples (and us) not to begin with what you need or want from God, but to begin with a clear picture of God as He is.
- Begin each conversation with an observation or praise of your conversation partner. (Over at Lance’s Jungle of Life, Jennifer Abbot did an awesome job of relating a technique that removes a negative spin on conversations by using the word “you” sparingly, and correctly.)
Jesus didn’t cover all the various afflictions, needs, and desires we commonly have in his prayer. Instead, he covers the bare-bones basics: food.
- Keep your list of requests, complaints, demands, or ailments to a minimal. If the topic is not vital, keep quiet. Express your needs, but don’t let them take over your conversations. Beating a dead dog is useless, and no one cares if you are constipated (except your doctor).
Forgive those who wrong us, and we will be forgiven in the same manner. Now that’s a scary thought.
- Be quick to clear the air. If you have wronged someone, fess up. Own your mistake, ask for forgiveness, and try to make it right if possible. If someone has wronged you, speak the truth in love and let them know. Honesty opens the lines of communication.
Save us from the evil one.
- Admit your faults readily. Don’t be a gossiping goose. Don’t try to be better than anyone. We are all creatures of God. We all sin. We are all tempted, and therefore we all goof up. Pretending you are perfect only drives a wedge between your relationships.
The Lord’s Prayer teaches us how we should converse with the creator of the universe. If this formula is the perfect combination to reaching God’s heart, shouldn’t it reach the heart of your spouse, your child, or that difficult client?
Communicate Dang It!
December 2, 2008
Ok, so I went and stepped in it this time. I had to go and blog about communication. I nearly smacked myself after yesterday’s post and actually yelled at the computer, “What were you thinking!”
In response to my outburst, Lily flicked her tail in my face and the kids never even looked up. (I guess that means I need to cut back on the yelling at the computer thing.)
Why Communication Sucks
I suck at communication, always have.
Short term, I do fine- great in fact. I’ve learned to adapt and I can fling social pleasantries and all the right words at a party. But get me behind closed doors, or start an honest-to-goodness relationship, and I draw a blank. My brain can’t connect point A with point B.
Turn me loose on anything other than a superficial social conversation or a professional discussion, and the conversation usually goes something like this:
“Hi! How’s your day been?”
“Oh, sorry to hear that. That sounds rough.”
“Yeah, I’ve had days like that. Are you doing better now?”
“Oh”
*insert uncomfortable silence*
(Thinks in a span of 0.8 seconds: wow, maybe I shouldn’t have asked that I hope I didn’t make things worse for her Is she staring at my forehead? I bet I have another zit I really like her shoes I wonder if ice cream would help turn her day around Oh yeah, not on her diet Oh God I have no idea what to say now Should I give her a hug? Should I change the subject? What does she need right now?)
Usually, these conversations end like this:
*insert foot into mouth, then try to find least painful way to extract it from windpipe*
Does this sound familiar?
Admitting you have a communication problem is the first step….wait, that’s for a different blog, sorry!
Seriously, before you can improve your communication, you have to admit there is room for improvement, and we all could use at least a little help, right?
For we all stumble in many ways. If someone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect individual, able to control the entire body as well. 3 And if we put bits into the mouths of horses to get them to obey us, then we guide their entire bodies.~James 3:2-3
So, because it’s what we do here, let’s take a look at the Bible to find out how to improve our relationships through better communication.
The Power of the Tongue
If you haven’t realized it yet, you have tremendous power. Each of us can make or break an individual with our words. Our children, spouses, parents, co-workers, friends- all look at our perception of them to help develop their identity and self worth.
Every. Word. Counts.
Even that elderly woman in the grocery store who pushes her cart at a snail’s pace looks up at you with questioning eyes to see if you see her as a frail nuisance, or an aged treasure. A kind and patient smile and a sincere “hello” may be enough to help her get out of bed tomorrow. You just never know.
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”~ Ephesians 4:29
If You Can’t Say Something Nice….
That little rule your mama taught you about playing and saying nice applies to grown-up relationships as well. Just because your spouse is acting like an ass, don’t take that as an excuse to let loose with a string of insults.
Even when a jerk client really deserves to be set straight, hold your tongue. No one wins in a battle of insults.
“He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”~ Proverbs 17:27
So next time you get a nasty email from a client, take a moment to stop, breath, and pray. Perhaps if you saw things from his perspective, you might be a little more understanding. Perhaps he never meant to be a jerk at all. Maybe he’s having a really bad day, or maybe you really screwed up and deserved a nasty email (but just don’t know it yet).
Not everyone has the same perception, reality, or self worth that you have. We are all delightfully different. In a fast paced world, it’s easy to rush to judgements or respond in anger.
Take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. Your words will be kinder, and your relationships will flourish with a little silence and TLC.
Reality
December 1, 2008
Kat felt weak in her knees, but she stood strong. Because that was what she’d always done. Stood strong.
“So who are you really, Father Johnny?”
“The real question, Kat, is who are you? If you can understand yourself, then you’ll know where my journey started. Do you believe in God?”
“We already-”
“So then, I was once who you are today, ” he said. “If you want to understand me, you have to understand yourself. Why don’t you believe?”
“For starters? Because everyone runs around killing in God’s name.”
“But that’s a child’s answer and you’re already sixteen. You don’t know much about religion, do you?”
“Should I?”
“Do you know the difference between Christianity and Islam?”
“Why are we talking about this? You’re trying to get me to convert? There’s a reason why religion is not allowed in the schools. Because it brings out the kooks!”
“Please, humor me. The difference between Christianity and Islam?”
“How should I know? One prays in a mosque, one prays in a cathedral.”
“So you know nothing. To you God is simply an extension of foolish religion. And if religion had much to do with God, I might agree with you. If you want to accept my help, the first thing you’ll need to do is set any notion you have of religion aside. Put everything you think you know about Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, all of it behind you. If you can do that, I may be able to help you.”
“What are you trying to do? Convert me?”
“You’ve demonstrated that you have no true moral compass. No fundamental beliefs that guide what is right or wrong in this world. How can you hope to recognize good and evil for what they truly are if you have no belief in a moral authority greater than yourself?”~ from Sinner, by Ted Dekker
Well, if you’re still reading, that means the mention of God doesn’t scare you. Congratulations!
So why the heck is there a quote from a Christian suspense writer on a business blog? Because it is a perfect example of the reality of perception.
Forming Your Reality
Each of us has a unique reality that we live in everyday. That reality is formed from our thoughts, beliefs, experiences.
When you were a child, you most likely spent hours imagining you were a princess, a horse wrangler, a pirate, a knight in King Arthur’s court, or a garbage man. (I was the knight, my brother was the garbage man.)
Most people think that as we age, we cease to create those pretend worlds. We don’t. We simply convert that imagination into a belief system, hobbies (like gaming), or communication skills. Some of us read obsessively as an outlet for that imagination, some of us write obsessively- but the imaginary world continues.
What’s the Point?
It’s important to remember that not everyone has the same reality as you. Some, like Kat, are completely reactive to situations in their life. Their thoughts and beliefs are handed down from generation to generation, or rubbed off from peers, authority figures, and the media. Not everyone actively pursues a belief system.
This disparity can drastically affect your business. Assumptions about your client’s or co-worker’s way of life and knowledge base can turn a relationship sour, fast. (especially on the Internet)
Never assume that someone else knows where you are coming from or understands an implied message. Cultures are different, values differ, and beliefs vary. Be up front, be crystal clear, and always be honest. Good communication always begins with honesty.
We’ll be discussing communication this week at Blue Duck. Stay tuned, we’ve got some good stuff planned for this week!
