Top 10 Reasons Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
February 14, 2010
This is a recycled post from my very early writing days, so be gentle and read it in the sarcastic, good-humored nature it is intended. And for those of you who are die-hard romantics: Happy Valentine’s Day anyways (you deluded souls)! 
Top 10 Reasons Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
OK, so Christmas has scrooge and Valentine’s Day has me! Join with me if you hate sappy romance and overpriced chocolates by boycotting Valentine’s Day.
The Top Ten Reasons Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
- Celebrating Valentine’s Day is expected. Dare to be different; march to the beat of your own drum! Start your own ‘Anti-Valentine’s Day’ where you eat chocolate from super-sized bags instead of cheesy, overpriced heart-shaped boxes and refuse to wear anything red
- If you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, you’ll be tempted accept a date from anyone who is breathing- just to avoid feeling like a loser. *shudders* Boycotting Valentine’s Day celebrations in all forms removes the temptation to sink to such dating lows.
- Chocolate makes you fat.
- Flowers make you sneeze and they die anyway, resulting in a deep depression as you cram them into the trashcan, creating a pathetic trail of dried up leaves in your wake.
- Pink is not slimming. Pink is also very girly and makes men feel wimpy unless they are very secure in their manhood. Most girls like pink, but should we let another nonsense-holiday determine our wardrobe choices for us? Where is the uniqueness in that?
- Candy hearts are greatly overrated. Those little candy hearts with cutesy sayings are the Magic Eight Ball™ of Valentine’s Day- except they are all blissful and sappy. Why is there not a “You need therapy” heart or, an “It’s not you, it’s me” heart? Where is the realism?
- All the good restaurants are booked two months before Valentine’s Day. Unless you enjoy taking your date to McDonald’s or you are one of those freakishly well-organized people who actually prepare for such occasions in advance, you are just out of luck.
- What really happens to all that romance on February 15th? It is just a big letdown for the other 364, non-overly romantic days of the year!
- Valentine’s Day helps to blur the line between love and physical affection, especially if your Valentine’s plans include alcohol in any amount. Yeah, most of us have been there.
- Celebrating Valentine’s Day is just a big marketing ploy by the greeting card companies to bilk honest American citizens out of their hard-earned cash!
Valentine’s Day should be an optional holiday.
Mushy romance and staged blind dates may be suitable for hormonally imbalanced teenagers and newlywed couples, but seasoned dating veterans and established spouses know that real romance is putting gas in her car, washing the dishes, or baking his favorite peach pie. If you really want to go all out, try scrubbing the bathroom for her, including the toilet. My husband has even changed a few diapers for the sake of true romance.
Who says chivalry is dead?
One of Those Days
February 26, 2009
Have you ever had one of those days that makes you wish you’d stayed in bed? Well, this is one of them for me. In the last 24 hours:
- My cat came in heat and is now climbing the curtains, biting my ankles and calling for a mate every 10 seconds.
- My five year old discovered that girls have boobs and thinks it’s his mission in life to inform everyone, including complete strangers in the grocery store.
- I dropped my hairdryer, and it landed in the toilet.
- The basement flooded.
- The desktop computer froze and crashed while I was installing a new back-up drive, taking with it the last four databases I spent all night creating.
- We had a kitchen fire. (A small one, and no one was hurt.)
- Hubby cut his finger partly off and refuses to go the the hospital for stitches. “Can’t you just clean it and tape it back together? You’re a nurse!” he says.
- My laptop (the one with the backup copies of those databases) now says “Operating System Not Found.”
- The man who never gets sick came home from work with the flu, and thinks he’s dying.
- I tripped on the steps, broke a toe, and bled on my white coat.
But, you know what? It could be worse.
My father in law stopped today, and I told him one of the neighbor’s cattle looks like it has mange. Mange in cattle is a lot like mange in dogs. It’s highly contagious and can be deadly. (This poor cow looked like she was on death’s doorstep.) We were talking about a plan to keep our cattle away from that side of the pasture and he asked if I remembered a little calf of the neighbor’s we found this time last year.
This little calf belonged to the nearest neighbor. His mama had jumped the fence and given birth in our field. The calf was adorable. He was running and jumping and liked to chase his tail with his tongue sticking out of his mouth. He was all black, with a perfect little Angus face. I was instantly in love.
We called the neighbor and told him about the little guy. He asked if we could keep him overnight. “Sure thing,” I said, without thinking about it. You see, it was about 20 degrees outside, and raining ice. The little guy had to get in where it was warm to survive. So, I donned my boots, bundled up, and headed out with my father in law to gather up the little newborn.
Well, the calf had other plans. He wanted to stay with his mama. He bawled, and we ran around on the icy hills, trying to coax him into the truck. Several bruises and a couple of hours later, my father in law snagged a hoof. He picked up the little bawling moo-er and headed for the truck. But it was too cold to put him in the back, so he shoved the wet calf in the front seat with him. It would be a short half mile ride to the barn, where he would be warm and safe. I followed behind them in the car.
We pulled out onto the main road and not 10 seconds later, my father in law hit the breaks and swerved off the road. I pulled to a stop, and they eased back out before I got out of the car. A few more feet, and the truck swerved again. Concerned, I turned on my four-ways and kept an eye open for oncoming traffic. They kept crawling along, and eventually we reached the barn. My father in law jumped out of the truck and slammed the door shut. He was dripping wet from the chest down.
Evidently, the little guy had to pee while in the truck. You see, cows don’t really “tinkle”, they let loose a stream of urine that can fill a five gallon bucket.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I opened the truck door and there was the little guy, looking as innocent as can be, with both front feet through the steering wheel. “He also decided he wanted to drive,” my father in law said with a smirk. “About ran us off the road. Now he won’t get outta the truck.”
Sure enough, we pushed, we pulled, we coaxed, but the calf wouldn’t budge. And to make matters worse, he peed again, soaking the other half of the truck seat.
Eventually we got him to the barn, got a bottle of milk replacer in him, and he was warm, dry and very happy with his new home.
But there was still the truck seat to deal with. I brought out carpet cleaner, stacks of towels, Febreeze, and baking soda. We soaked up what we could, and put stacks of towels followed by stacks of cement blocks on the seat to soak up the remaining cow urine.
We headed to the house for some dry socks and hot coffee and you know what, it really was a good day in spite of the bruises, the cold, and cow pee. The calf was alive, we helped out a neighbor, and had a great story to tell the other old farmers who gather at the top of the hill to gab. The truck still smells like cow urine, but it’s not so bad anymore.
If you don’t loose sight of the big picture in the midst of all those little annoying things in life, most days turn out to be good, productive days in the end.
Burn While I Laugh, Ryan
February 20, 2009
photo credit: AlexDixon
Ok, so the title seems a little sadistic, I know, but after you read this post, you’ll get the point. I’m not being cruel or sadistic, or even demented, I promise.
This post is a shameless promotion for Ryan D. Scott’s latest foray into the online community, because I think Ryan is awesome and he tapped me on the shoulder for a little link love. MakeComedy is the brainchild of Ryan, formerly known as Oktober5 and sometimes seen hanging out with that bad boy, Matthew Dryden.
Ryan’s new niche site gives readers tips on how to “create better comedy.” Okay, so SEO isn’t very funny, and most of my posts about Christianity and business ethics lean more toward practical. I’m just a practical kinda girl, but I’ll admit, I could use more funny. We could all use more funny, more smiles.
People like to laugh, and no matter what your reasons for hanging out on the Net, a little funny can help. And Ryan knows comedy.
Take for example his description of Matthew for the About Page of TheCompletists:
Matthew is the kind of man that you usually hear referred to as “a quiet guy” by neighbors being interviewed in front of a yellow police tape festooned house, buzzing with police, and several authorities removing numerous large, bulky bags while a backhoe operator jumps from his vehicle yelling, “I think we found even MORE in the back yard!”
Actually, Matthew is an up-and-coming writer and spoken-word poet, who loves to violate the dictionary in many different ways.
Okay, so that one is mostly funny because it is true. 
The website is fairly new, but I’ve already bookmarked it so I don’t miss out on any of the great posts that are sure to come in the following weeks. One of my favorite thus far is Ryan’s feature post about comedian Damon Scott. If you only click through on one link today, make it this one. You’ve got to see Damon’s act. (I just LOVE that monkey!) It will make you smile, guaranteed.
His Favorite Christmas Story
December 12, 2008
I’m feeling Christmas-y today. In honor of my Holiday temperament, and my need to study for two more exams, I’m posting the lyrics and music to one of the cutest little Christmas stories I’ve heard this year.
“Capital Lights – His Favorite Christmas Story” Lyrics
by Various Artists – “X” Series | from the album X Christmas
He met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when he finally gained the courage to ask her to dance
It was the night before Christmas, it was love at first sight
The carolers sang as they danced through the night
She was a small town girl, he was a traveling guy
He never caught her name before they said their goodbyes
A couple years later he was out on the road
Having Christmas dinner in a diner alone
When he saw a young waitress with a gleam in her eye
Her favorite day of the year she showed her spirits were high
She said sir can you shed a little hardy cheer
A simple Christmas story was all she wanted to hear
He looked prepared with a smile as he started to say here’s my favorite Christmas story about a girl with no name
He said I met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when I finally gained the courage to ask her to dance
Every holiday season as he traveled he’d tell about his Christmas dance partner that he never knew well
He’d share his favorite story with the locals he met
He was called the Christmas story tellin traveling man
By age 53 he had done settled down
All the neighborhood kids liked to gather around
Just to listen to his stories about his life on the road
All he had now were these children he told
And every Christmas eve they showed up before dark
He’d tell them all the story but they knew it by heart
They could quote it word for word, he always told it the same
It was his favorite Christmas story called the girl with no name
He said I met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when I finally gained the courage to ask her to dance
Twenty years later as he took his last breath
It was on a cold Christmas morning on a hospital bed
The children were grown, he had nobody left
Except the little old nurse who was holding his hand
He said Ma’am can you share a little hardy cheer
A simple Christmas story was all he wanted to hear
But his eyes filled with tears at the words that she spoke
Because his favorite Christmas story was the one that she told
She said I met him up in Delaware in 1937
Though I never caught his name he was a traveling man
December 24th at a quarter till eleven
I’m so glad he got the courage to ask me to dance.
(Song lyrics courtesy of NewsReleaseTuesday.com)
Aww, wasn’t that sweet?
If you want more terrific Christmas stories, head on over to Best Little Christmas Story.com, crafted by Jamie Groves of How Not to Write.com
Santa’s Surprise
December 10, 2008
Here’s a tear jerker for ya. Grab the tissues, you’re gonna need ‘em. This three year old girl asked Santa for a blue truck and her daddy.
Still Wonky
December 9, 2008
Well, this final paper has consumed my life. My house is a natural disaster, my kids have had mostly free reign since Saturday, and I haven’t seen my bed since Tuesday. Oh wait, today is Tuesday, make that Sunday then.
At this point, I would pay someone hordes of money to entertain my kids (duct tape is optional), get my coffee, cook, and find the floor in my living room. Except no one in their right mind would drive out here to spend time in my cold shack with my heathens. (Did I mention that Steph is off this week, too?) Amidst all the chaos, I am trying to finish a large batch of website copy, write my final paper which summarizes each book of the Bible, and study for two comprehensive exams- all due by Friday.
So in lieu of actual content, here’s another round of newspaper ads to entertain you while I try to find my sanity. Smile, it’s Tuesday.
