This is a recycled post from my very early writing days, so be gentle and read it in the sarcastic, good-humored nature it is intended. And for those of you who are die-hard romantics: Happy Valentine’s Day anyways (you deluded souls)!

Top 10 Reasons Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

OK, so Christmas has scrooge and Valentine’s Day has me! Join with me if you hate sappy romance and overpriced chocolates by boycotting Valentine’s Day.

The Top Ten Reasons Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

photo credit: weglet

• My cat came in heat and is now climbing the curtains, biting my ankles and calling for a mate every 10 seconds.
• My five year old discovered that girls have boobs and thinks it’s his mission in life to inform everyone, including complete strangers in the grocery store.
• I dropped my hairdryer, and it landed in the toilet.
• The basement flooded.
• The desktop computer froze and crashed while I was installing a new back-up drive, taking with it the last four databases I spent all night creating.
• We had a kitchen fire. (A small one, and no one was hurt.)
• Hubby cut his finger partly off and refuses to go the the hospital for stitches. “Can’t you just clean it and tape it back together? You’re a nurse!”  he says.
• My laptop (the one with the backup copies of those databases) now says “Operating System Not Found.”
• The man who never gets sick came home from work with the flu, and thinks he’s dying.
• I tripped on the steps, broke a toe, and bled on my white coat.

But, you know what? It could be worse.

My father in law stopped today, and I told him one of the neighbor’s cattle looks like it has mange.  Mange in cattle is a lot like mange in dogs. It’s highly contagious and can be deadly. (This poor cow looked like she was on death’s doorstep.) We were talking about a plan to keep our cattle away from that side of the pasture and he asked if I remembered  a little calf of the neighbor’s we found this time last year.

This little calf belonged to the nearest neighbor. His mama had jumped the fence and given birth in our field. The calf was adorable. He was running and jumping and liked to chase his tail with his tongue sticking out of his mouth. He was all black, with a perfect little Angus face. I was instantly in love.

We called the neighbor and told him about the little guy. He asked if we could keep him overnight. “Sure thing,” I said, without thinking about it. You see, it was about 20 degrees outside, and raining ice. The little guy had to get in where it was warm to survive. So, I donned my boots, bundled up, and headed out with my father in law to gather up the little newborn.

Well, the calf had other plans. He wanted to stay with his mama. He bawled, and we ran around on the icy hills, trying to coax him into the truck.  Several bruises and a couple of hours later, my father in law snagged a hoof. He picked up the little bawling moo-er and headed for the truck. But it was too cold to put him in the back, so he shoved the wet calf in the front seat with him. It would be a short half mile ride to the barn, where he would be warm and safe. I followed behind them in the car.

We pulled out onto the main road and not 10 seconds later, my father in law hit the breaks and swerved off the road. I pulled to a stop, and they eased back out before I got out of the car. A few more feet, and the truck swerved again. Concerned, I turned on my four-ways and kept an eye open for oncoming traffic. They kept crawling along, and eventually we reached the barn. My father in law jumped out of the truck and slammed the door shut. He was dripping wet from the chest down.

Evidently, the little guy had to pee while in the truck. You see, cows don’t really “tinkle”, they let loose a stream of urine that can fill a five gallon bucket.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I opened the truck door and there was the little guy, looking as innocent as can be, with both front feet through the steering wheel. “He also decided he wanted to drive,” my father in law said with a smirk. “About ran us off  the road. Now he won’t get outta the truck.”

Sure enough, we pushed, we pulled, we coaxed, but the calf wouldn’t budge. And to make matters worse, he peed again, soaking the other half of the truck seat.

Eventually we got him to the barn, got a bottle of milk replacer in him, and he was warm, dry and very happy with his new home.

But there was still the truck seat to deal with. I brought out carpet cleaner, stacks of towels, Febreeze, and baking soda. We soaked up what we could, and put stacks of towels followed by stacks of cement blocks on the seat to soak up the remaining cow urine.

We headed to the house for some dry socks and hot coffee and you know what, it really was a good day in spite of the bruises, the cold, and cow pee. The calf was alive, we helped out a neighbor, and had a great story to tell the other old farmers who gather at the top of the hill to gab. The truck still smells like cow urine, but it’s not so bad anymore.

If you don’t loose sight of the big picture in the midst of all those little annoying things in life, most days turn out to be good, productive days in the end.

photo credit: AlexDixon

This post is a shameless promotion for Ryan D. Scott’s latest foray into the online community, because I think Ryan is awesome and he tapped me on the shoulder for a little link love. MakeComedy is the brainchild of Ryan, formerly known as Oktober5 and sometimes seen hanging out with that bad boy, Matthew Dryden.

Ryan’s new niche site gives readers tips on how to “create better comedy.” Okay, so SEO isn’t very funny, and most of my posts about Christianity and business ethics lean more toward practical. I’m just a practical kinda girl, but I’ll admit, I could use more funny. We could all use more funny, more smiles.

People like to laugh, and no matter what your reasons for hanging out on the Net, a little funny can help. And Ryan knows comedy.

Take for example his description of Matthew for the About Page of TheCompletists:

Matthew is the kind of man that you usually hear referred to as “a quiet guy” by neighbors being interviewed in front of a yellow police tape festooned house, buzzing with police, and several authorities removing numerous large, bulky bags while a backhoe operator jumps from his vehicle yelling, “I think we found even MORE in the back yard!”

Actually, Matthew is an up-and-coming writer and spoken-word poet, who loves to violate the dictionary in many different ways.

Okay, so that one is mostly funny because it is true.

The website is fairly new, but I’ve already bookmarked it so I don’t miss out on any of the great posts that are sure to come in the following weeks. One of my favorite thus far is Ryan’s feature post about comedian Damon Scott. If you only click through on one link today, make it this one. You’ve got to see Damon’s act. (I just LOVE that monkey!) It will make you smile, guaranteed.

“Capital Lights – His Favorite Christmas Story” Lyrics
by Various Artists – “X” Series | from the album X Christmas

He met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when he finally gained the courage to ask her to dance

It was the night before Christmas, it was love at first sight
The carolers sang as they danced through the night
She was a small town girl, he was a traveling guy
He never caught her name before they said their goodbyes

A couple years later he was out on the road
Having Christmas dinner in a diner alone
When he saw a young waitress with a gleam in her eye
Her favorite day of the year she showed her spirits were high
She said sir can you shed a little hardy cheer
A simple Christmas story was all she wanted to hear
He looked prepared with a smile as he started to say here’s my favorite Christmas story about a girl with no name

He said I met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when I finally gained the courage to ask her to dance

Every holiday season as he traveled he’d tell about his Christmas dance partner that he never knew well
He’d share his favorite story with the locals he met
He was called the Christmas story tellin traveling man

By age 53 he had done settled down
All the neighborhood kids liked to gather around
Just to listen to his stories about his life on the road
All he had now were these children he told
And every Christmas eve they showed up before dark
He’d tell them all the story but they knew it by heart
They could quote it word for word, he always told it the same
It was his favorite Christmas story called the girl with no name

He said I met her up in Delaware in 1937
She was wearing red lipstick to match her pretty dress
December 24th at a quarter till eleven is when I finally gained the courage to ask her to dance

Twenty years later as he took his last breath
It was on a cold Christmas morning on a hospital bed
The children were grown, he had nobody left
Except the little old nurse who was holding his hand
He said Ma’am can you share a little hardy cheer
A simple Christmas story was all he wanted to hear
But his eyes filled with tears at the words that she spoke
Because his favorite Christmas story was the one that she told

She said I met him up in Delaware in 1937
Though I never caught his name he was a traveling man
December 24th at a quarter till eleven
I’m so glad he got the courage to ask me to dance.
(Song lyrics courtesy of NewsReleaseTuesday.com)

Aww, wasn’t that sweet?

If you want more terrific Christmas stories, head on over to Best Little Christmas Story.com, crafted by Jamie Groves of How Not to Write.com

At this point, I would pay someone hordes of money to entertain my kids (duct tape is optional), get my coffee, cook, and find the floor in my living room. Except no one in their right mind would drive out here to spend time in my cold shack with my heathens. (Did I mention that Steph is off this week, too?) Amidst all the chaos, I am trying to finish a large batch of website copy, write my final paper which summarizes each book of the Bible, and study for two comprehensive exams- all due by Friday.

So in lieu of actual content, here’s another round of newspaper ads to entertain you while I try to find my sanity. Smile, it’s Tuesday.

hmmm.. which is less?

Well, no comment.

Do I still qualify as a teenager, then?

Wow, someone paid them for that.

Ouch, newspaper reporter gets slugged for insulting one armed man.

Hey! That happens here, too. Where’s the number for the Sheriff’s Department?

Wow, state quarters seem suspicious to me, too.

Dude, someone steals my mail, too because I never got a million dollar check from Publisher’s Clearing House like they promised!

Huh, go figure.

Here’s your sign.

Failure to stop for a train = prostitution?

Warning: this post is a shameless promotion for a collaborative effort of two of my favorite bloggers. Writer Dad and Blogger Dad have teamed up to offer a holiday gift that takes advantage of their combined super-hero-like talents. Standing alone, either of these talented bloggers can write (and sometimes draw) the pants off any ordinary website. Combined, they are a force to be reckoned with. (Are you excited yet, or is this corny drivel putting you to sleep?)

Pen and Ink

Now for the obligatory sales pitch:

The Spectacular Christmas Gift is officially termed Pen and Ink. It’s a custom created art project, perfect for that hard to buy for person on you holiday list. It’s also a heart warming gift for that special someone in your life. Heck, it would even be a great gift for yourself this year.

How It Works

Sean asks a few questions about what type of gift it will be, and pens a unique and beautiful snippet of prose, as only Writer Dad can. He then sends the cadenced creation off to Blogger Dad for a bit of custom artwork to accompany the prose. The result is a stunning one-of-a kind masterpiece.

I’ve already ordered mine. The poem is complete, and truly amazing. Sean worked in my boys’ names and more than a few references to all the things I love about Christmas on the farm. Dave is working on the artwork now and I’m all a-tingle with anticipation to see what he creates.

The Details

You can get your own Pen and Ink creation by contacting Sean or Dave directly, but the easiest way is to fill out the adorable contact form for Pen and Ink here.

The custom creation will cost you $50 for a digital file, and a little more if you want a print copy mailed to your home. For fun, you can also pay Sean an extra $10 and he’ll tell Dave repeatedly that the artwork is the wrong color, or the wrong size, or the wrong theme, and you can laugh with Sean as Dave pounds his head against the monitor and fixes it over and over and over.

For me, this is one of those special gifts that becomes an instant family heirloom.

I know money is tight for most of us this year, and $50 may as well be $500. If you love the idea, but can’t part with the cash right now, send Sean or Dave an email and tell them how much you like the idea anyways. I think it’s a great gift and if they get enough of a positive response, they may offer it again next year. Plus, they put a lot of brain power into this concept and would love to hear your praises for the idea. Everyone needs a little encouragement, even super heroes of the Blogopolis.

Instead, you get a little warm-fuzzied humor compliments of YouTube.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I pray your holiday is filed with laughter, loved ones, and warm memories. I thank God for my little blogging circle, and pray that He will extend his blessings over your homes, your lives, and your families.

The house cleaning ritual is complete for company tomorrow, and my little guy’s fever is down to a manageable 101. We pile under a soft blanket with our steaming mugs and listen to a little Billie Holiday- because it’s a Billie kind of day.

I should be doing a million things right now, but instead I choose to cuddle with my boys on a busy winter morning. Thanksgiving started early for me this year- right now, in fact. I am so thankful for my little guys and my family.

The job market is bleak, money is tight, the weather is atrocious, and there’s too much to do. But like Billie says, I’ve got my love to keep me warm.

I just wanted to share the arrival of Thanksgiving with you. Happy Holiday, and here’s a little Billie to warm your heart.

Click here to view the embedded video.