Peers, Cohorts, and the Human Nature

Yes, I realize that we are not school children who need the approval of peers or a hug from mommy to make it all better, but peer relationships do still matter. We rub off on each other. We mirror mannerisms and phrases of those we rub elbows with, both good and bad. You want to make the world a better place? Start building up others! It has a ripple effect.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ~ Maya Angelou

I struggle with this concept, as do many others I interact with in day to day life. Try telling a blogger they are truly talented, or a customer that they are appreciated without coming off as a sugar-sweet, drippy brown-noser, and you’ll see what I mean. Often, when we do offer a compliment, it comes in a form similar to the title of this post. We hide behind gruffness, sarcasm, or humor to save face. When did being genuinely nice become so uncool?

The the Un-Coolness Begin!

Well, in traditional Blue Duck style, I say the heck with coolness. If I like you or I think you did a good job, I’m gonna tell you about it. Conversely, if you’re sawing your own arm off without realizing it or you invade my personal space in a bad way, I’ll be sure to tell you that as well (in a constructive way, of course). We wouldn’t hesitate to point out grievances, mistakes, or flaws. So why overlook the good stuff?

“Make room for that which is capable of rejoicing, enlarging, or calming the heart.” ~ George Tersteegen

Back Up from the Bible

For you Christian writers and business owners out there:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”~ Ephesians 4:29

We all need validation, encouragement, and love. So, here’s my first dose of Miracle Grow Compliments for my little blogging circle:

• Sean, your way with words amazes me. Thanks for helping others fall in love with life.
• David Wright, your dedication to family and sincerity are a rare gem in today’s world. But, your sense of humor could use a little work.. just kidding.
• Dave Fowler, your light hearted banter and wit brighten my time on the Net and give me hope that the world indeed is not all shadows and darkness.
• Wendi Kelly, your gentleness and joy exude from my monitor and make me look forward to another day of work. Thank you for your daily sunshine.
• Oktober 5, your wisdom, knowledge and talent are jaw dropping. In fact, some of your comments on this blog and others have haunted my thoughts for days. Thanks for challenging my thoughts and nurturing my soul with your talent.
• James and Harry, your passion, dedication, and unwavering focus are a constant source of inspiration for me.
• Matthew, your raw energy and intensity give your words power.
• Lance, when I read your words, it’s like putting on a warm sweater on a cold day. Your outlook is so similar to mine, sometimes it’s scary.
• Amy, your warmth and friendliness have been a welcome addition the the stark, clinical feel of working on the Net. Thanks for making an effort to roll out the welcome mat. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.
• Dereck, your strength and transparency are a pillar for many. Never lose sight of that, my friend.
• Tessa, I envy your incredible faith and patience. Your quiet strength and bubbly personality make you darned near irresistible.
• Toni, girl, I could fill the page with your praises. In fact, I think I’ll put your words into an email. Thanks for being you.

This is not a misguided effort to increase traffic or fish for my own set of compliments, just a simple exercise in building a no regrets life. I will be closing comments for this post. Instead, take a few minutes and visit your favorite Blogopolis writer and compliment away!

• Writing my own 5 Wishes and letters to my family
• Meeting 3 wonderful ladies at a new One Month to Live small group
• Watching dirt bikes ramp across the stage at church

One of the sticking points of this series was the observation that very few people know how to take a complement. According to the Learn Humbly stage of the journey, learning to accept and give compliments is essential to a no regrets life. (I will likely blog about this in the near future, so if this describes you, subscribe to the feed to catch this post when it goes live next week.)

My Take Away

This series has definitely changed the way I think about my life, and the lives of those around me. While I began this journey earlier this year, this six week series has really brought it home and highlighted key points for me. In reflection, I don’t believe this series has changed my daily behavior much. It has, however, changed my outlook on life and reinforced the lessons I have learned from recent life experiences.

If you participated in the One Month to Live Challenge, what did you take away from the experience? Has it changed your life for the better, spurred you to think differently?

Thanks for riding along on this journey with me. I’ll be posting my views on how these principals apply to blogging and online business. I hope you, too, have begun to live a no regrets life.

Nick’s Story

This man is phenomenal. He knows what it is like to feel desperate, powerless, insignificant, frustrated, helpless…. all those feelings that overwhelm us and often are the root of deep depression. He has felt intense emotional pain, yet faces each day with a heartfelt smile, a terrific sense of humor, and palpable hope.

As I was watching the video, I was thinking that this man’s pain puts many things in my life into proper perspective. I am a firm believer that love from others, and a genuine love for others is the best treatment for depression. Nick is the embodiment of that love.

The Mandatory Disclaimer

Since it’s Sunday, this video is a little more “preachy” than is normally acceptable in blogging circles, but since it’s my blog, it’s all good. If you are offended by words like: God, Christ, love, Satan, and hope, this post and Nick’s video will be most distressing to you.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LtCrlXdd2E[/youtube]

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.”~Jeremiah 29:11-14

God had a plan for Nick’s life, and He has a plan for you. He can bring you out of the captivity of depression. If you liked Nick’s story, please visit http://lifewithoutlimbs.org.

Have a wonderful, hope-filled day. I’ll catch you all tomorrow.

Update!

This post is still drawing comments over 3 weeks after it went live! Because this message is so powerful, it is catching on all over the Net!

My awesome fellow-blogger Lance has recently posted an inspiring video from Nick on his blog, The Jungle of Life. This video is much better than the one above, so be sure to visit Lance’s site for the heart-wrenching version. Thanks Lance for spreading the Word.

This week’s assignment was to write a letter to someone you would like to express your heart to before it’s too late.  Ask them to forgive you for the ways in which you might have hurt them. Extend your forgiveness to them for any pain they may have caused you. Most importantly, communicate your love to them and share with them how much they mean to you. Mail the letter and pray that God will use it to heal your relationship.

Just because I felt like having a little morning music, I thought I’d share. This one is in the spirit of living a no regrets life. Brandon wrote his letter, have you done yours?

(In case no one’s noticed, Brandon Heath is my new favorite artist this month.) Turn it up!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3SjCuSkaNs[/youtube]

Your last sunset?

I’m a firm believer that God orchestrates our days. He sends hummingbirds to flit past our window, gives us red lights to slow us down, and places people in our paths to accomplish His plan for us. That’s what has me nervous. You see, this week in my 30 days journey, the prevailing theme seems to be untimely death.

Let me explain.

• My final psychology paper was based on “My 5 Wishes” a form that expresses your wishes about your health care, dying process, and funeral in the event you are stricken with a terminal disease or are unable to communicate. (It was difficult to write, and I cried through most of it.)
• My activity for 30 Days this week is to write a letter to someone from my past in order to heal old hurts. Except I’ve already done that, so I wrote letters to each of my loved ones, to be read upon my death. I included letters to each of my boys for the day they graduate from school, are baptized into the church, get married, and have their first child. I wrote a heart-wrenching letter to my husband encouraging him to seek love again and raise our children well. I wrote to my mother and brother, telling them how much I love them. I wrote to my aunt, expressing my never-ending gratitude for her love, guidance, and selfless sacrifices.
• This Sunday’s sermon touched on the brevity of life. Any of us could be living our last day, and not even know it.
• The video lesson for my small group shared stories about the untimely deaths of a college student and a five-year old girl.
• The final chapter in my Developmental Psychology textbook was on death and dying.

Now all this talk of death has really gotten to me. I’m not saying I have a morbid fascination with my own demise, I just cant help but wonder if God is preparing me to deal with an untimely death. Maybe mine, maybe the death of someone close to me. Perhaps someday soon these words will prove to be prophetic.

I blogged last month on Lori Hall Steele. The words she wrote about her son became prophetic after she was rendered paralyzed from Lyme Disease.

“Will you look after me when I’m a grown-up?”
I tell him I’ll always be here for him, one way or another. Always always always. Just like my mother is here for me. Just like I was there when he was 3. It is an impossible promise, a gamble with his trust. I secretly pray I don’t let him down, not on this.

The lesson I learned from One Month to Live this week is to get your affairs in order. Tell your kids you love them. Take time to watch the sunset, it may be your last.

Ironically, once again this week Lance has scooped my blog topic a day in advance with this quote:

“The bitterest tear shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone” ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Living a no regrets life. Sounds like a wonderful plan, doesn’t it? I often find myself thinking about an event from my past and thinking, “I should have done it differently. I wonder what would have happened if I did it this way?”

I think it’s the daydreamer in me, but I catch myself imagining that I could go back in time, do things differenty and change the course of my life. I would stop myself from hurting those I love, I would make different career choices, sometimes I even daydream about moving to the big city fresh out of high school and never getting married. What would my life have been like if I had only done things differently?

The practical side of me bristles when I catch myself dreaming in this way. Pondering regrets and daydreaming about ‘what if’ is only a waste of time and mental energy. “You only have today,” I tell myself. Nonetheless, I have many regrets.

The Dash

In One Month to Live, Kerry and Chris talk about a starkly honest fact. When you die, your life is reduced to two dates with a dash in the middle, imprinted on a gravestone. That dash represents the collective hopes, dreams, accomplishments, failures, and regrets of an entire life. We have no control over the date we are born or die. But we decide what that dash in the middle represents.

Living Your Dash, or Dashing to Live?

I am convinced that it is not the fear of death, of our lives ending, that haunts our sleep so much as the fear…that as far as the world is concerned, we might as well never have lived.~ Harold Kishner

That quote hits me hard. What about my life is worthwhile? Am I completely replaceable in every aspect of my life? Could someone else step in and run my business, love my husband, and raise my children better than I? Would the world be any different if I had never lived?

Am I living my life, or running from it?

If your life is filled with regrets, I challenge you to live the next 30 days without regrets, too. What do you have to lose? Only another regret that you could have changed your life, but chose to remain in your rut of regrets- coming to the end and realizing your dash could have been so much more.

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.~ Alan Sachs

My personality favors looking back on my life with regrets. I’m working hard to change that. Over the next few weeks, I plan to share with you my journey to a no regrets life. Will I make it to the end a changed person? I hope so. But failures and triumphs alike will be posted here for your examination (and hopefully your inspiration).

Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should.~Psalm 90:12

What does your dash represent?

What would you do differently if you found out you had 30 days left to live? Would you go home and hug your kids (instead of yelling at them to be quiet so you can work)? Would you take your wife out on a date and watch the stars till 2 A.M.? Would you make a few phone calls to finally say, “I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you.”?

When confronted with the reality that the end of life has arrived, people reevaluate what is really important in life and set to the task of establishing new priorities. Do I only have 30 days left to live? Perhaps. Perhaps you do, too. We never really know, do we?

I’m reading One Month to Live: 30 Days to a No Regrets Life, by Chris and Kerry Shook. For me, it’s an extension of a lesson I began learning in December. You see, I learned to view life a little differently recently, and I think it has helped me tremendously, in business and at home, and I thought I would share it with you.

Lessons From a Hospital Room

My lesson began where no one wants to be, sitting in the corner of a hospital room, watching someone who looked a little like my father sleep. I received a phone call from my dad’s significant other earlier that afternoon.

“Jamie? It’s Jeff, they took your dad to the hospital, they don’t know what’s wrong.” I hesitated only a second to evaluate if my children were fully dressed and said, “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 40 minutes.”

Thousands of thoughts raced through my head during that 40 minute drive, some of them angry, some terrified. I walked into the hospital room to see a tiny, bald, toothless man with yellowed skin and dark bruising over his arms. He was curled into a fetal position and mumbling incoherently. I spoke, but he was in his own world, unaware that anyone was in the same room.

The doctor explained his condition, prescribed a long list of medications to help alleviate the symptoms, and sent him home with Hospice to die. Dad had a few lucid moments, and even a rare good day before he passed away in April at the age of 57.

From the day my dad left the hospital, I began thinking differently. What happened in the past no longer mattered, my dad was dying. What did matter was the few precious days I would have with him now.Old hurts that ran deep suddenly were flies to be brushed away so I could see clearly how much I loved my dad.

I no longer took my own life for granted. My dad’s illness brought home the fact that I could die at age 57, too. I could only have a few more days with my kids, or my husband. I may only get one more visit with my mom, or my baby brother. In a single day, life became a wisp of fog, and I was determined to catch it and hang on for all I was worth.

That’s what One Month to Live is all about, holding onto a life worth living.

So what did I change in my life? I spend less time working. I went back to college for the sake of learning, not just for a degree. I revamped my business. I spend a lot of time with those I love. I went away for the weekend with my husband for the first time in 10 years. I took a long vacation with my family. I chartered a sailboat and saw dolphins in the wild. I spit in the face of my fears and learned to trust God more. I learned how to belly laugh again.

I’m learning how to live a no regrets life.

Again, I ask you, what would you do differently with only 30 days left to live?

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain

(I “stole” that quote form Lance’s website JungleofLife.com. He posted it on Sunday, just as I was finishing this post and it fit so perfectly that I couldn’t pass it up. Great minds think alike, Lance, thanks.)